My not so friendly ghost- by Rama.
She comes and goes as she pleases and she never warns me. Usually, she overstays her welcome and then she disappears for a short while. She is gone just long enough for me to think that I have finally driven her away. That she will not be bothering me anymore.
When she is away, I don't miss her.
That might seem like a rude thing to say about a friend but the thing is, I spend a lot of time with this ghost of mine but she is no Caspar. She is not a friendly ghost- at all.
She haunts me, really.
She shows up when I meet someone new and I am trying to be friendly and appear normal. She whispers things in my ears about how unlikable I can be and she is hard to ignore. Usually, in an attempt to make her think that I don't care about what she says or that I don't believe what she says, I end up doing something that makes me foolish. I might laugh a little too loud or say something completely unwarranted.
Needless to tell you that she has made it hard for me to build friendships. It is hard, you know. Existing and being around people who are going about their daily lives completely ghost-less when she refuses to leave me alone.
Sometimes, I listen to her. Actually, I listen to her a lot more than I should. The other day, she told me that the people I love would be better off without me. I believed her for a brief moment- After all, here I am talking to a ghost about my place in the world. I'm sure they would be better off without that kind of drama.
Luckily, on that day, I got a message from my other friend- this one is alive and well- she just wanted to say hi. She reminded me that the people I love, happen to love me too.
My not so friendly ghost, however, she doesn't love me. She claims to love me because she says that she does what she does to protect me. I believe her sometimes. Other times, her coldness actually paralyzes me.
She rarely says pleasant things to me.
She has made it her mission to remind me that I am flawed in more ways than one. She compares me to my peers and tells me that I am not as good as them.
Other times, she hurts me physically. She has a habit of punching me right in chest and making my heart race, so fast that I have a hard time breathing. I panic, I shake, I gasp for air and I cry. All I want to do is ask for help but she reminds me that I would look weak.
There is a tightness in my chest as I write this. Anxiety doesn't like it when I talk about her.
I wonder if I am the only one that she stalks...